Don't throw a brick straight up.
Don't take long naps while driving.
Walk around toxic waste dumps,
not through them.
Your body has the correct number
of holes in it.
Don't make any more.
Don't microwave yourself too often.
Don't stick body parts
into electrical outlets.
When using an acetylene torch,
don't feel the flame
to see if it's sufficiently hot.
If you're on a ball field
and someone shouts,
"Heads up!"
don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.
Don't tie yourself
to an airplane propeller.
When you are in bed
remember to close your eyes.
No matter how tempting it is
to be one with nature,
stay on the outside of all fences
at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks
into bulletin boards,
press on the flat end.
When you find a prize
in a box of "Crackerjacks,"
there is no need to report it
on your income tax return.
"Time" magazine is not suitable
to wear on your wrist.
Get a watch.
1 + 1 = 2
Try to remember that.
Don't count the peas in a can.
It is not an exact science.
If you discover that February
only has 28 days,
don't report it to the
Consumer Fraud Department.
Likely they will
ignore your complaint.
For faster elevator service
press the elevator button
many, many times.
If you found ANY
of the above rules useful,
under no circumstances should you
EVER reproduce.
Don't take long naps while driving.
Walk around toxic waste dumps,
not through them.
Your body has the correct number
of holes in it.
Don't make any more.
Don't microwave yourself too often.
Don't stick body parts
into electrical outlets.
When using an acetylene torch,
don't feel the flame
to see if it's sufficiently hot.
If you're on a ball field
and someone shouts,
"Heads up!"
don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.
Don't tie yourself
to an airplane propeller.
When you are in bed
remember to close your eyes.
No matter how tempting it is
to be one with nature,
stay on the outside of all fences
at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks
into bulletin boards,
press on the flat end.
When you find a prize
in a box of "Crackerjacks,"
there is no need to report it
on your income tax return.
"Time" magazine is not suitable
to wear on your wrist.
Get a watch.
1 + 1 = 2
Try to remember that.
Don't count the peas in a can.
It is not an exact science.
If you discover that February
only has 28 days,
don't report it to the
Consumer Fraud Department.
Likely they will
ignore your complaint.
For faster elevator service
press the elevator button
many, many times.
If you found ANY
of the above rules useful,
under no circumstances should you
EVER reproduce.
