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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.
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I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
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I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
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I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
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I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
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A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
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When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
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Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
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Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
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Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
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If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
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Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
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Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
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Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."
