buckaroo
Here kitty, kitty, kitty
Looks like Santa has joined the union. Here's the details:
To: All Concerned
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, TEXAS, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
please keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be
in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are
a few differences between us such as the following:
1) There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2) Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3) Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4) You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
and Petty."
5) "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by, "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I here'd dat!"
6) As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off."
7) The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.
8) Merry Christmas y'all...
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209
To: All Concerned
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, TEXAS, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
please keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be
in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are
a few differences between us such as the following:
1) There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2) Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3) Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4) You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
and Petty."
5) "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by, "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I here'd dat!"
6) As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off."
7) The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.
8) Merry Christmas y'all...
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209
