Christmas gifts for NASCAR stars

[DanicaFreak]

http://www.sbnation.com/nascar/2014/12/22/7433843/christmas-gifts-nascar-drivers


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Though the concept of Santa Claus is a bit odd -- an old man randomly drops into houses via chimneys, leaves presents behind while taking cookies that have been left out for him by strange people -- as the saying goes, "'Tis the season to be jolly."

In an attempt to get into the holiday spirit, let's handout some presents to NASCAR's most popular drivers. Cast in Santa's suit is SB Nation motorsports reporter Jordan Bianchi, and, as a special holiday treat, the ever popular and always entertaining The Orange Cone is playing the role of Santa's crew chief to assist with the gift distribution.

Brad Keselowski
Bianchi: As evident by Matt Kenseth reenacting something akin to what one would see in the WWE and later Jeff Gordon grabbing him by the throat, is anyone more in need of a bodyguard than Keselowski?

Cone: What do you get the guy who already has a lifetime supply of beer? You got it: a huge walk-in cooler.

Kevin Harvick
Bianchi: With a beer company and a fast-food sub shop as his primary sponsors, a gym membership seems like a good idea.

Cone: Another walk-in cooler. They are popular this year.

Hold that @OralB toothbrush high, @kaseykahne! You deserve it!#OralBUSA500 -JW pic.twitter.com/YM7InhUmKO

— Miss Sprint Cup (@MissSprintCup) September 1, 2014


Kasey Kahne
Bianchi: Dental floss?

Cone: A huge tube of toothpaste to go with that cool huge toothbrush he got for winning at Atlanta.

Danica Patrick
Bianchi: A pole-position so that when the 2016 Sprint Unlimited rolls around there is no appearance of NASCAR changing its rules just to get Patrick into the field of the exhibition race.

Cone: A top-10 finish on a non-plate track, along with a sense of humor for her most fervent -- and humorless -- fans.

Tony Stewart
Bianchi: Strength to put the tumultuous events of the last year behind him.

Cone: A quiet, peaceful, drama-free 12 months, something Stewart hasn't experience in the past couple of years.

Kyle Busch
Bianchi: A bag of apples because all those M&M's cannot be good for one's teeth.

Cone: A free photo session with Samantha at John Casablancas Studios, because they can make anyone a model.

 

[CamelPowered]

And for Kurt Busch the collected works of Brad Pitt on Blu-Ray.

 

[HoneyBadger]

Cone: A top-10 finish on a non-plate track, along with a sense of humor for her most fervent -- and humorless -- fans.

So much truth to this one.

 

[DanicaFreak]

So much truth to this one.

Agreed. I try to have some humor but a lot of Patrick backers dont.

 

[HoneyBadger]

Agreed. I try to have some humor but a lot of Patrick backers dont.

I keep forgetting everyone else doesn't know who The Orange Cone is. Every time the dude says something about Danica, her fans completely lose their ****. I mean, he busts on everyone.

 

[DanicaFreak]

I keep forgetting everyone else doesn't know who The Orange Cone is. Every time the dude says something about Danica, her fans completely lose their sh!t. I mean, he busts on everyone.

*nods* its like south park. They bust everyones chops

 

[Pete:Team Penske]

For Jeff Gordon\
An extra absorbent crying towel..

 

[Johali]

It really is a shame nfp is closing down.

 

[Pete:Team Penske]

It really is a shame nfp is closing down.

Is that because you prefer I stayed there?