CLEVE R PARAPROSDOKIANS ( A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oft times very humorous.)
If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Take my advice, I'm not using it.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Men say women should come with an instruction manual; but since when has any man stopped to read the instructions.
I was going to give her a nasty look, but she already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
