Millions of workers have lost their jobs. Our manufacturing base is crumbling. The lines for unemployment checks are at an all time high. The forecast for our economy is grim, with no relief expected in the near future.
However, there is a very large segment of our population that is virtually untouched by our catastrophic economic downturn. We call them 'survivors'. This unique group of Americans have learned the 'secrets' of acquiring the basic needs of life, food, clothing, heath care, education and housing, with little or no effort on their part. They are well versed on these 'secrets' and have passed these concepts down from generation to generation.
In order to weather this storm in these turbulent times, it would be wise for the rest of us to apply these 'secrets' of economic survival to our own lives. Through years of meditation, these 'secrets' were revealed to me, in a dream, by the gods residing in Washington DC. I will pass them on to you.
The 'secrets' of economic survival 101, for a family of 5, step by step:
Step 1: Get a divorce. None of the other steps can be accomplished until you do this.
Step 2: Get pregnant immediately after the divorce. Do not. I repeat. Do not reveal the father.
Step 3: Let your house go into foreclosure. This may take a few months, so put back the money you would have paid on your mortgage IN CASH.
Step 4: After you've been kicked out of your house and are living with your mom, apply for welfare. Your mom will show you how. You and your children are eligible and you'll get extra money when the new baby arrives. It is very important that you stay pregnant. The more kids, the more money. Since you are now divorced, it is OK for you ex-husband to live with you.
Step 5: Apply for food stamps. You can also access the 'Food Bank' for additional goodies. Eat all you can anytime you can. Make sure your body is nice and round to prepare you for the next step.
Step 6: Apply for Medicaid. Never ever go the a doctor's office for treatment. Go directly to the emergency room for faster service. Being in the ranks of the poor, you deserve it.
Step 7: When all of the previously steps have been taken care of, apply for Section 8 housing. Make sure you get extra money for utilities. You can now live together as a family. Or, if you wish, kick your ex out. You are no longer married and this will give you a chance to party and you will have your choice of fathers for your future kids.
Step 8: Coach your children in the fine art of being disruptive in school. When they are declared ADHD, you will receive an additional windfall of $283 per kid per month.
Step 9: Feel free to pass these 'secrets' on to all your buddies. Conduct meetings of all the 'survivors' in your area. And, most important, make sure they are registered to vote. This will assure the perpetuation of your lavish lifestyle.
Ain't Life Grand!
However, there is a very large segment of our population that is virtually untouched by our catastrophic economic downturn. We call them 'survivors'. This unique group of Americans have learned the 'secrets' of acquiring the basic needs of life, food, clothing, heath care, education and housing, with little or no effort on their part. They are well versed on these 'secrets' and have passed these concepts down from generation to generation.
In order to weather this storm in these turbulent times, it would be wise for the rest of us to apply these 'secrets' of economic survival to our own lives. Through years of meditation, these 'secrets' were revealed to me, in a dream, by the gods residing in Washington DC. I will pass them on to you.
The 'secrets' of economic survival 101, for a family of 5, step by step:
Step 1: Get a divorce. None of the other steps can be accomplished until you do this.
Step 2: Get pregnant immediately after the divorce. Do not. I repeat. Do not reveal the father.
Step 3: Let your house go into foreclosure. This may take a few months, so put back the money you would have paid on your mortgage IN CASH.
Step 4: After you've been kicked out of your house and are living with your mom, apply for welfare. Your mom will show you how. You and your children are eligible and you'll get extra money when the new baby arrives. It is very important that you stay pregnant. The more kids, the more money. Since you are now divorced, it is OK for you ex-husband to live with you.
Step 5: Apply for food stamps. You can also access the 'Food Bank' for additional goodies. Eat all you can anytime you can. Make sure your body is nice and round to prepare you for the next step.
Step 6: Apply for Medicaid. Never ever go the a doctor's office for treatment. Go directly to the emergency room for faster service. Being in the ranks of the poor, you deserve it.
Step 7: When all of the previously steps have been taken care of, apply for Section 8 housing. Make sure you get extra money for utilities. You can now live together as a family. Or, if you wish, kick your ex out. You are no longer married and this will give you a chance to party and you will have your choice of fathers for your future kids.
Step 8: Coach your children in the fine art of being disruptive in school. When they are declared ADHD, you will receive an additional windfall of $283 per kid per month.
Step 9: Feel free to pass these 'secrets' on to all your buddies. Conduct meetings of all the 'survivors' in your area. And, most important, make sure they are registered to vote. This will assure the perpetuation of your lavish lifestyle.
Ain't Life Grand!