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* NASCAR officials announced today that Mariah Carey will begin singing The National Anthem on Saturday, February 15, at precisely 4:18 PM. This, in the words of a senior official, will allow her to finish the song and hold all the notes until the point of human suffering is reached and still start the race on time.
* NASCAR has announced a modification to its long standing and fan-reviled restrictor plate policy. However this change is being applauded by fans as a major improvement.
NASCAR announced that for the Daytona 500, a restricted denture plate would be installed on Darrell Waltrip. This restrictor plate will limit the amount of time he can speak, thus greatly improving the quality of Fox's telecast. Gary Nelson was quoted as saying, "We feel that by installing this plate, the quantity of asinine statements and useless blather will be decreased by 63.7%." Reports have surfaced that the plate is in the shape of a foot, thus ensuring a perfect fit.
* NASCAR Winston Cup driver Kevin Harvick announced a last-minute surprise special paint scheme for his Chevrolet Monte Carlo for this week's Daytona 500. The car will still bear the familiar number 29, but will have a one-race sponsorship deal with Electrolux Vacuum Cleaners. The car will be painted brown and cream, with red and green piping. The rear deck lid will bear the logo of Electrolux, while the back panel will have the slogan, "This Car REALLY Sucks!" (Get it? Electrolux? Vacuum cleaners? REALLY Sucks? Pretty clever, huh?)
* NASCAR has now made available for purchase the complete transcription of Ward Burton's 2002 Daytona 500 Victory Lane speech. The speech has been translated into English, and may be purchased for only $79.95 plus $20.00 shipping by sending a check or money order to: NASCAR, Attn. Special Cultural Division, Daytona, FL. Please allow 4-6 years for delivery.
* Reigning Winston Cup champion Tony Stewart, who finished 43rd in the 2002 Daytona 500 and went on to capture the season-long points title, announced Tuesday from an undisclosed location that his mechanical failure during qualifying for the 2003 race was in fact intentional. Stewart suffered a motor failure in 2002 on the third lap. "I talked to Joe about it, and we decided that if blowing up on the third lap got us a championship, we'd just blow 'er up in qualifying this year and that'd give us the Indy 500 win too!", said an emotional Stewart.
* NASCAR's ban on coolers being brought into the track this season has prompted many inebriated fans to revert to other tactics. The ban was issued under the guise of safety, but many fans think it was done to boost concessions sales at the track. One fan from Devil's Elbow, GA was quot...well, more like paraphrased as saying, "This ain't right. You mean to tell me that a bunch of terrorists are gonna drop a bomb on a racetrack, with hundreds of thousands of fans and all them gallons of gas and oil around? Why, that'd blow this place to (somewhere unpleasantly hot)." In response to the ban, many fans are sneaking their potables in to the track in other ways. One top heavy female fan was detained for a real long time while officials conducted a thorough search. Another fan was forced to empty the contents of a false prosthetic third leg. Most fans, however, are opting for the more direct approach...they're hanging around Rusty Wallace's and Dale Earnhardt Junior's haulers.
* Don't forget to get your name in the hat for the "Which Lap Will Steve Park Hit The Wall In?" drawing! Pleanty of choices are left, but all of them are after Lap 30.
* Jeff Green issued a press release in which he introduced himself as a NASCAR Winston Cup driver. This in reaction to a multitude of fans asking, "Who the %@*& won the pole?!" He also requested that fans and sportscasters refrain from mentioning him in the same breath with Derrick Cope.
* Geoff Bodine also held a press conference today...or so we were told. As soon as we find anyone who actually attended it, we'll get back with ya.
* DEI team mother-figure Teresa Earnhardt confirmed reports that she had hired a staff of 12 "care takers" to assure the team that Michael Waltrip would show up at the correct track. She would not however confirm reports that these caretakers also had to rescue Waltrip from a Richard Simmons Look-Alike contest being held in Miami last week.
More news as it breaks...
* NASCAR has announced a modification to its long standing and fan-reviled restrictor plate policy. However this change is being applauded by fans as a major improvement.
NASCAR announced that for the Daytona 500, a restricted denture plate would be installed on Darrell Waltrip. This restrictor plate will limit the amount of time he can speak, thus greatly improving the quality of Fox's telecast. Gary Nelson was quoted as saying, "We feel that by installing this plate, the quantity of asinine statements and useless blather will be decreased by 63.7%." Reports have surfaced that the plate is in the shape of a foot, thus ensuring a perfect fit.
* NASCAR Winston Cup driver Kevin Harvick announced a last-minute surprise special paint scheme for his Chevrolet Monte Carlo for this week's Daytona 500. The car will still bear the familiar number 29, but will have a one-race sponsorship deal with Electrolux Vacuum Cleaners. The car will be painted brown and cream, with red and green piping. The rear deck lid will bear the logo of Electrolux, while the back panel will have the slogan, "This Car REALLY Sucks!" (Get it? Electrolux? Vacuum cleaners? REALLY Sucks? Pretty clever, huh?)
* NASCAR has now made available for purchase the complete transcription of Ward Burton's 2002 Daytona 500 Victory Lane speech. The speech has been translated into English, and may be purchased for only $79.95 plus $20.00 shipping by sending a check or money order to: NASCAR, Attn. Special Cultural Division, Daytona, FL. Please allow 4-6 years for delivery.
* Reigning Winston Cup champion Tony Stewart, who finished 43rd in the 2002 Daytona 500 and went on to capture the season-long points title, announced Tuesday from an undisclosed location that his mechanical failure during qualifying for the 2003 race was in fact intentional. Stewart suffered a motor failure in 2002 on the third lap. "I talked to Joe about it, and we decided that if blowing up on the third lap got us a championship, we'd just blow 'er up in qualifying this year and that'd give us the Indy 500 win too!", said an emotional Stewart.
* NASCAR's ban on coolers being brought into the track this season has prompted many inebriated fans to revert to other tactics. The ban was issued under the guise of safety, but many fans think it was done to boost concessions sales at the track. One fan from Devil's Elbow, GA was quot...well, more like paraphrased as saying, "This ain't right. You mean to tell me that a bunch of terrorists are gonna drop a bomb on a racetrack, with hundreds of thousands of fans and all them gallons of gas and oil around? Why, that'd blow this place to (somewhere unpleasantly hot)." In response to the ban, many fans are sneaking their potables in to the track in other ways. One top heavy female fan was detained for a real long time while officials conducted a thorough search. Another fan was forced to empty the contents of a false prosthetic third leg. Most fans, however, are opting for the more direct approach...they're hanging around Rusty Wallace's and Dale Earnhardt Junior's haulers.
* Don't forget to get your name in the hat for the "Which Lap Will Steve Park Hit The Wall In?" drawing! Pleanty of choices are left, but all of them are after Lap 30.
* Jeff Green issued a press release in which he introduced himself as a NASCAR Winston Cup driver. This in reaction to a multitude of fans asking, "Who the %@*& won the pole?!" He also requested that fans and sportscasters refrain from mentioning him in the same breath with Derrick Cope.
* Geoff Bodine also held a press conference today...or so we were told. As soon as we find anyone who actually attended it, we'll get back with ya.
* DEI team mother-figure Teresa Earnhardt confirmed reports that she had hired a staff of 12 "care takers" to assure the team that Michael Waltrip would show up at the correct track. She would not however confirm reports that these caretakers also had to rescue Waltrip from a Richard Simmons Look-Alike contest being held in Miami last week.
More news as it breaks...
