C
cutiepie24
Guest
Inter-Office Memorandum:
Dear Staff,
RAISES: It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada
sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be
and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104
personal days a year. They're called Saturday and
Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch
as they need to eat more so that they can look
healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average
figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because
that's all the time need to drink a SlimFast and take
a diet pill.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor
statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go
to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent
in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted
on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.
SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider
removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
Senior Management
:lol:
Dear Staff,
RAISES: It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada
sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be
and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104
personal days a year. They're called Saturday and
Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch
as they need to eat more so that they can look
healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average
figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because
that's all the time need to drink a SlimFast and take
a diet pill.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor
statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go
to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent
in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted
on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.
SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider
removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
Senior Management
:lol:
