Joke of the day

S

shredracing

Guest
What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle,
starts with a C and ends with a T ?
A coconut.
 
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
How was he killed?" asked one detective.
With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
 
In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?"
In England they say, "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your
wife is?"
In France they say, "It's 11o'clock do you know where your
husband is?"
In Poland they say, "It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"
 
Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two
hours?
Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
 
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled,
then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he
scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
 
One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still
winter," I replied. "Forget it."

In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that
it was still too cold to paint.

In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the
ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer.
As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a
neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit
there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the
house?"
Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."
 
A man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather and while eating the
breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like
substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates
clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as coldwater can
get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his
plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are
clean"?

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you,
those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me
about it anymore."

Later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was
leaving the house, Grandfather's dog, who was lying on the floor,
started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching,
his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"
 
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is
weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,
"that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
 
Abe's son Morris arrived home from school puffing and panting,
sweat rolling down his face.

"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," Morris said,
"I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"

"Morris, you are a stupid boy!" said Abe,
"You could have run behind a taxi and saved $12.00!"
 
The blonde man was crying at the bar, and the bartender gave him a free
drink.
"What's the trouble?" asked the friendly bartender.
"I got kicked out of chef school," said the blonde.
"They said I gave them the oldest excuse in the book, and all I did was
tell the truth."
"What did you say?"
"I told them the dog ate my homework."
 
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you
gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you
think it means?"

"You'll know on Valentine's Day." he said.

On Valentine's Day, the man came home with a small package and gave it
to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled....
"The Meaning Of Dreams."
 
Blonde Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.
Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.
Monika said, "How horrible! What did you do?"
Judi shook her head. "There was nothing I could do.
He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest
of the numbers!"
 
A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his
father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"
The father answered immediately,
"I don't know. No male has lived that long yet."
 
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really
sore from moving furniture.

"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?"someone asked.

"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move
if he's not on it."
 
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