Below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 80 year old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to reethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on,
I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history must be undersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, 'imitation is the sincerest form
of flattery'. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2.
To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to
listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again, following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client,
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to reethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on,
I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history must be undersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, 'imitation is the sincerest form
of flattery'. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2.
To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to
listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again, following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client,
