S
stridsberry
Guest
MUSICIAN
Q. What's the first thing a musician says at work?
A. "Would you like fries with that?"
Q. Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A. Because most music shops close by six thirty.
Q. What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A. Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The
other didn't have any money either.
Q. What's the difference between a musician and a bond?
A. Eventually a bond matures and earns money.
Q. How do you get a musician off of your front porch ?
A. Pay for the pizza.
Q. What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
A. Homeless ..
"THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY"
-We can fix it in the mix
-I'm sure it will work
-It sounds in tune to me
-Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
-I know your mic is on I checked it myself
-The roadie took care of it
-Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
-The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
-The club will provide the PA and lights
-We'll have it ready by tonight
-It's on the truck
-There'll be lots of roadies when you get there
-It's totally compatible with your current program
-You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck
NEW RULES FOR BANDS IN THE 21st CENTURY
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the
dictionary.
3. No one cares who you've opened for.
4. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
5. When you talk on stage you are never funny. (unless your a comedy
group).
6. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with
their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with
political lyrics?")
7. Asking a crowd 'how they're doing' is just amplified small talk. Don't
do it.
8. Never name a song after your band.
9. Never name your band after a song.
10. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a
loser.
11. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper",
"blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
12. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll,
not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
13. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
14. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what
girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
15. Yes we can tell the difference between a professionally produced album
cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
16. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds
play them?
17. Things that are never coming back:
a) gongs,
headbands, and
c) playing guitar with a mic stand, a beer bottle or your teeth.
Q. What's the first thing a musician says at work?
A. "Would you like fries with that?"
Q. Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A. Because most music shops close by six thirty.
Q. What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A. Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The
other didn't have any money either.
Q. What's the difference between a musician and a bond?
A. Eventually a bond matures and earns money.
Q. How do you get a musician off of your front porch ?
A. Pay for the pizza.
Q. What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
A. Homeless ..
"THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY"
-We can fix it in the mix
-I'm sure it will work
-It sounds in tune to me
-Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
-I know your mic is on I checked it myself
-The roadie took care of it
-Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
-The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
-The club will provide the PA and lights
-We'll have it ready by tonight
-It's on the truck
-There'll be lots of roadies when you get there
-It's totally compatible with your current program
-You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck
NEW RULES FOR BANDS IN THE 21st CENTURY
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the
dictionary.
3. No one cares who you've opened for.
4. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
5. When you talk on stage you are never funny. (unless your a comedy
group).
6. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with
their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with
political lyrics?")
7. Asking a crowd 'how they're doing' is just amplified small talk. Don't
do it.
8. Never name a song after your band.
9. Never name your band after a song.
10. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a
loser.
11. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper",
"blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
12. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll,
not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
13. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
14. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what
girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
15. Yes we can tell the difference between a professionally produced album
cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
16. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds
play them?
17. Things that are never coming back:
a) gongs,
headbands, andc) playing guitar with a mic stand, a beer bottle or your teeth.