Mattel announces limited-edition Barbie dolls for the Atlanta
Metropolitan market:
Buckhead Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Phipps Plaza. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign
lap-dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a water feature in
front. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic
ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.
Chamblee Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar
mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time
occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold
separately. Can swear in English, Spanish,Chinese,Korean or Vietnamese, but
she's not sure which is which. Available at Target.
Hapeville Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife,
a '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model
is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably
small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking
about.
Dunwoody Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or
Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country
club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny.
Dunwoody Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.
Jonesboro Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small,a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder.
Wants to major in NASCAR at Clayton State College. She has a six-pack of
Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and
kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck
separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Available at Southlake Mall.
Conyers Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut
Ken out of Jonesboro Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails,strawberry lip gloss, and a
see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream double wide trailer.
Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.
Kennesaw Barbie
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print spandex and
drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with
friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and
botox. Also cheap.
College Park Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.Optional accessories
include a G.E.D. and bus pass to Kennesaw State
University. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available,but are now very
difficult to find since the addition of the infant
doll.
Decatur Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless
feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks
with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want
or need a Ken doll,but if you purchase two Decatur Barbies and the optional
Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.
Alpharetta Barbie
Pregnant at purchase, Alpharetta Barbie drives a new Ford Excursion and is
perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away
hunting or in Japan on business. Alpharetta Barbie aspires to become
Buckhead Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.
Smyrna Barbie
Into football, animals and bonfires. 98% belong to a cult,2% are
freethinking and void of any "traditions." Does nothing but
complain about Midtown Barbie/Ken.
Buford Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back,
without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken
comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left
hand. Green cards are not yet available for Buford Barbie or Ken. Available
only at Value City.
Midtown Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to
"experiment." Doesn't understand why Smyrna Barbie complains so much
Metropolitan market:
Buckhead Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Phipps Plaza. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign
lap-dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a water feature in
front. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic
ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.
Chamblee Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar
mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time
occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold
separately. Can swear in English, Spanish,Chinese,Korean or Vietnamese, but
she's not sure which is which. Available at Target.
Hapeville Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife,
a '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model
is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably
small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking
about.
Dunwoody Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or
Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country
club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny.
Dunwoody Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.
Jonesboro Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small,a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder.
Wants to major in NASCAR at Clayton State College. She has a six-pack of
Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and
kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck
separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Available at Southlake Mall.
Conyers Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut
Ken out of Jonesboro Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails,strawberry lip gloss, and a
see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream double wide trailer.
Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.
Kennesaw Barbie
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print spandex and
drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with
friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and
botox. Also cheap.
College Park Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.Optional accessories
include a G.E.D. and bus pass to Kennesaw State
University. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available,but are now very
difficult to find since the addition of the infant
doll.
Decatur Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless
feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks
with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want
or need a Ken doll,but if you purchase two Decatur Barbies and the optional
Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.
Alpharetta Barbie
Pregnant at purchase, Alpharetta Barbie drives a new Ford Excursion and is
perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away
hunting or in Japan on business. Alpharetta Barbie aspires to become
Buckhead Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.
Smyrna Barbie
Into football, animals and bonfires. 98% belong to a cult,2% are
freethinking and void of any "traditions." Does nothing but
complain about Midtown Barbie/Ken.
Buford Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back,
without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken
comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left
hand. Green cards are not yet available for Buford Barbie or Ken. Available
only at Value City.
Midtown Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to
"experiment." Doesn't understand why Smyrna Barbie complains so much