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The Differential theory of the US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of operations (AO).
1. Infantry: Snake smells them; leaves area.
2. Airbourne: Lands on and kills snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Air Force: Has Global positioning satellite coordinates to snake. Cant find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with a massive Time on Target barrage with three forward artillery brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants(ie., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State department directives and Theater Command rules of engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares an in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces dont understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gun fire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim-extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires 50 cruise missiles from various of types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropraitions Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Army Medical Department (AMMEDD): Provides medical threat briefing with alternatives to non-FDA approved snake anti-venom. Develops comprehensive program under TriCare for treatment of snake bite victims and Post Traumatic Stress Treatment program for snakes.
12. Marine recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to saves snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on back-order).
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment and delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as an enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets a direct hit on Embassy 100 Km east of snake due to weather conditions(Too hot, also too Cold, was clear but too overcast, Too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc). Claims that purchasing million-dollar, high-tech snake killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes dont show well in infrared. Infrared only operable in AO's without powerlines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake after fourth pass after snake builds a bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 panel to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into bonfire.
21.B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Misslile Crew: Lays in coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but cant receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence Officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Marine: Kills snake on accident while looking for souvenirs. Locals civilians demand removal.
1. Infantry: Snake smells them; leaves area.
2. Airbourne: Lands on and kills snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Air Force: Has Global positioning satellite coordinates to snake. Cant find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with a massive Time on Target barrage with three forward artillery brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants(ie., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State department directives and Theater Command rules of engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares an in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces dont understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gun fire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim-extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires 50 cruise missiles from various of types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropraitions Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Army Medical Department (AMMEDD): Provides medical threat briefing with alternatives to non-FDA approved snake anti-venom. Develops comprehensive program under TriCare for treatment of snake bite victims and Post Traumatic Stress Treatment program for snakes.
12. Marine recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to saves snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on back-order).
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment and delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as an enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets a direct hit on Embassy 100 Km east of snake due to weather conditions(Too hot, also too Cold, was clear but too overcast, Too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc). Claims that purchasing million-dollar, high-tech snake killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes dont show well in infrared. Infrared only operable in AO's without powerlines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake after fourth pass after snake builds a bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 panel to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into bonfire.
21.B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Misslile Crew: Lays in coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but cant receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence Officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Marine: Kills snake on accident while looking for souvenirs. Locals civilians demand removal.
