J
JrFan4ever
Guest
FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they
turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number
of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service". Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women
in
their black outfits with jackets saying across the backs: "F.A.T.A.S.S."
The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the
Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home
Office
Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.
I feel safer already.... LOL
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they
turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number
of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service". Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women
in
their black outfits with jackets saying across the backs: "F.A.T.A.S.S."
The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the
Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home
Office
Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.
I feel safer already.... LOL
:lol: