Things I learned from the Movies

M

mis-fit

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Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
 
I've read most of those before, but they still crack me up. I had never seen the one about the pretty blond who is an expert at everything even though she could not possible be old enough to have even graduated college. That was true and hilarious.
 
How about the fact that bad guys never are able to hit a good guy even if there are 40 of them shooting at them at the same time. But the good guys are always very fine marksmen.
 
Good one. It could be a thousand bad guys shooting at one good guy and the one good guy with his one measly gun and no extra bullets can shoot them all with perfect accuracy. The bad guys can barely shoot straight and sometimes even shoot each other.

Another thing I have learned, if you are taken hostage by the villian and happen to be beautiful and the good guy is attracted to you, the bad guy will not kill you. He will wait until the good guy comes and then threaten to kill you, but then throw you aside where you will land looking perfect. You were only taken to upset the good guy. Even though killing you would be the perfect thing to do, it won't be done. Even if you insult the bad guy or try to hurt him.
 
One more, when the bomb is ticking under a minute, the person who can deactivate the bomb gets sad. Then the other person tells him his whole life story and how hard his childhood was or whatever to motivate the other guy. They end up cutting the right wire with 2 seconds to go...
 
Whenever a natural or man-made disater is about to occur, the hero escapes (alive) nano second before its too late and is catupulted into the air by the force- but is never harmed

All Americans have phones which can reach throughout the house-even if it has a cord. If its cordless- you can pick up perfect reception all around the house...unless there is a insane killer about

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

Whenever a natural or man-made disater is about to occur, the hero escapes (alive) nano second before its too late and is catupulted into the air by the force- but is never harmed

Oh and all single women have cats.
 
How about this one. Whenever the cops are chasing the good guy, no matter how many cops are driving, they can never match the ability of the good guy. Most of the squads end up wrecked and the good guy gets away. I never see it that way on the show Cops.
 
The bad guy always has cooler theme music.

No one ever drives on city streets.

If you find yourself in a quiet residential neighborhood and see either a florist van or a plumber's van, leave the area immediately. It's a SWAT team.

Every person of Asian descent in New York and San Francisco who owns a market is married, over 60, and the man wears a white button down shirt. His wife is hysterical most of the time, but will survive the burglary while her husband perishes.

The butler did not do it.

Should you be male, and find yourself in the presence of both a young woman and a psychopathic murderous maniac, do not run away with the young woman. She will trip and fall and turn her ankle, thus requiring you to go back for her. This will ultimately result in your getting hacked to death about 4 minutes later, while she has remarkably recovered fully and trots away in her 7" stiletto heels.

Never take advice from an old man with a bad eye. These people live and breathe to steer you in the wrong direction.

Tune up the car. It's going to break down. At the worst possible place. Should you not heed this advice, and the car breaks down, do not seek assistance at the nearest place. Pass up at least 14 possible places of refuge before asking assistance. Trust me.

Do not go rafting in Georgia. Ever.
 
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