Now, you should understand that I don't believe in Horoscopes, BUT.............
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few Brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonnaise becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes compressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Duck and cover
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few Brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonnaise becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes compressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Duck and cover